Paul,

Please tell your friend the so-called Prince that I do not like being called a liar, and I would not sell him coffee for a million dollars.

On the other hand, can you find out what his attitude is toward small business loans?

Thanks, your friend Raul

Raul, my friend,

I am sorry that I said hurtful things about you. I have been through a crisis, you see, and I wasn't thinking clearly when I first got online again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I have already forgiven you for kidnapping me and holding me for ransom. I have even forgiven you for that time when you said nasty things about my mother, and that time when you shoved me into the back set of your car so fast that I cracked my head on the door frame.

To show that there are no hard feelings, I will gladly loan you a little money to help you get your coffee business off the ground. Would $650,000 be enough to make a good start? If so, just go to my contact page and enter the requested information about the bank account you would like the money to go into. Then the next time I have a secure internet connection, I will deposit that much into your account.

If that sounds good to you, my contact page is http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Best of luck with your new enterprise!

He who was formerly known as Prince.

Paul,

I can't believe you have been working with that fool Raul. He is obnoxious and he smells funny. Well, actually I smell funny, too, after rubbing myself down with paint thinner. I also look funny, since I had to shave my head and beard. I still think there is blue paint in the folds of my ears and a few other places I'd rather not say. But my most urgent fear now is that someone will throw a lit match at me before all the paint thinner fumes dissipate.

Back to Raul -if he thinks I'm going to put money INTO his bank account, after all the unforgivable things he's done to me, he's got another think coming.

In the meantime, I have to sneak back across the border and retrieve my cash. I can't cross into the country with the Land Rover, because I'd have to go through the guard station. So my plan is to hide the money close to the border somewhere, abandon the Land Rover, and sneak into the country on foot with the cash. I'll buy a new car on the other side.

I hate to lose the Land Rover, though. But on the bright side, pretty much everyone who was ever after me thinks I'm dead, and shaving my head has radically changed my appearance. As long as the folks looking for me don't know I'm alive and bald, I should be safe crossing Guatemala.

Counting on you to keep my secret, I am
Yours Truly,
the Exiled Nigerian Prince

Er, Prince,

How many times do I have to remind you that ANYBODY can see whatever you post here, including your nasty remarks about Raul. If I were you, I'd make it up to him quickly. And I suspect that at least some of your enemies know that you are not dead yet. Please be very careful what you post.

Paul

A reader writes:

Hi,
My name is Jeffrey Skoll, a philanthropist and the founder of one of the largest private foundations in the world. I believe strongly in ‘giving while living.’ I had one idea that never changed in my mind — that you should use your wealth to help people and I have decided to secretly give USD2.498 Million to a randomly selected individual. On receipt of this email, you should count yourself as the individual. Your email address was chosen online while searching at random. Kindly get back to me at your earliest convenience, so I know your email address is valid.

Visit the web page to know more about me: [link withheld] or you can read an article of me on Wikipedia.

Regards,
Jeffrey Skoll.
lgoelz@uni-bonn.de
jeff.skoll@skollcharity.org

-----------------------------

Dear "Jeffrey Skoll,"

While I'm sure you have my best interests at heart, I am slightly put off by the fact that, as a Canadian, you have a German e-mail, and that the skollcharity.org domain seems to have been registered last week.

In fact a friend of mine hints that you might not be the real Jeffrey Skoll at all, but a scammer attempting to run a "419" scam. These are the scams in which some random stranger contacts you and offers you a lot of money. Sometimes the money is supposedly an inheritance or a lottery winning. Sometimes the money is in exchange for some supposed favor, like helping a deposed royal smuggle money into the United States. But the scammer never deposits any money at all. Instead he wheedles banking information out of the victim, then promptly proceeds to empty the victim's bank account.

Surely you've heard of this. Its nickname is "the Nigerian scam," which a friend of mine, the TRUE Exiled Nigerian Prince, finds very offensive. In fact, he finds this whole thing so offensive, that he'll gladly pay you "real money" to stop scamming people this way. Would $2,000,000 do it?

If you agree, please click on the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page - http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm - and enter the requested bank account information. Right now the ENP is sort of stranded on the border between Honduras and Guatemala, but as soon as he gets back in touch, I'll let him know about our agreement so he can transfer the money to you.

Dear Raul,

I am sorry you took offense at what I said about you. I was just kidding around the way we used to, like when you used to punch me in the gut with the butt of your AK-47. I remember your friends thinking that was very funny.

Good times.

As a peace offering, please accept my Land Rover. For reasons you will know all too well, I cannot take it with me. So I have hidden it in a valley two miles due west of the border crossing, just south of the border. The keys are under the driver's seat. I am sorry that I can't leave you the title, but the guy I bought it from stole it from the guy who stole it from the original owner, so that piece of paper is long gone.

I notice you still haven't entered your bank information in my contact page. Please do that as soon as possible since I would like to clear our accounts before I have traveled much further.

Your friend,
The fugitive formerly known as Prince

Dear Prince,

Thank you for letting me know about the Land Rover. However I won't be needing the small business loan you offered. The great Canadian philanthropist Jeffrey Skoll has e-mailed me at random and promised to give me $2,000,000. All I have to do is send him some information about the banking account I want the money to go into.

Good luck on your journey.

Your friend,
Raul the Reckoner

Raul,

Please do not trust the fellow calling himself Jeffrey Skoll. He is not the REAL Jeffrey Skoll. You should trust me instead.

After all, you know I am the real Exiled Nigerian Prince

Your friend the TRUE ENP

Prince,

I am beginning to sense a pattern here. Maybe I'll just take the Land Rover and call it even.

On the other hand, we've learned that the drug kingpin who posted the fake wanted poster for you actually does have a price on his head. So if I really need money, I may renew his acquaintance.

In the meantime, I have discovered a coffee blend unique to a village down here that I'm sure you would love. When you settle in, be sure and let me know where you are so I can send you a sample.

Best of luck. You'll need it!

Oh, by the way, some fellows were in town asking about you today. Americans. I played "dumb native" and listened to them arguing among themselves. Something they said made me think they were with the State Department. Apparently, they think you are in danger of disrupting the political landscape of Central America and they want to bring you in. It didn't sound like they were going to be nice about it. Do you know what the word "rendition" means?

Raul

Someone calling himself Chase Online Banking Department writes:

Quoting Chase <chase@memberservice.com>:
Case ID: 12586
Chase's Digital Channels Group Fraud Operations would like to verify some recent activity on your account.

To help protect your Chase account(s) from unauthorized access, we have restricted your online access, which will remain in effect until you complete a verification procces with us.
In order to verify your account download the attached file, fill out the required information and save your profile. [Binary attachment deleted]

We are sorry for any inconveniences this may have caused on you.
Thank you for being a valued Chase Online(R) customer.

Sincerely,

Chase Online Banking Department
replyto@yahoo.com
chase@memberservice.com
2015 JPMorgan Chase & Co.

---------------------

Dear Mr. Department,
Thank you for getting in touch. I had nearly run out of material for this page. I would be glad to complete your verification procces if I had any idea what a procces is. Or if I believed for one moment that Chase banking officers really have e-mails sent to Yahoo.com and memberservice.com, a domain name that has been associated with phishing scams since 2011.

Also, when I moused over the file you sent me to open, my virus checker freaked out so much that every circuit breaker in my house popped, and I had to reset them before I could use my computer to reply to you. After I am done sending this note, I will have to reset every digital clock and timer in the house, no thanks to you.

That said, if you're serious about a foray into the financial industry, I think I can still be of service to you. My friend the Exiled Nigerian Prince is looking to move some money into US banks (you ARE in the US, aren't you?), and he would be glad to deposit some sum into your bank account. For this sort of project, he usually starts in the $1,000,000 range. Would that sort of thing interest you? If so, just go to the ENP's contact page and enter your banking information as requested.

http://www.creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Right now the ENP is on a sort of involuntary sabbatical in a wilderness area. But when he gets back in touch, he will access your bank account and move funds appropriately.