Someone calling himself Vanessa Paladino writes:

Re: About the deal

I attorney Jeffrey has chosen you for a business deal , kindly reply now

Vanessa Paladino
attorneyjeffrey@carib.com
lkg605@alumni.ku.dk

--------------------------------------

Dear Jeffrey or Vanessa,

No.

Someone calling himself Wells Fargo writes:

Account Suspension
We are writing to inform you about the suspension of your account, a series of suspicious activities are detected in your account by our monitoring system.
This is a precautionary step taken by our monitoring systems to try and catch fraudulent activities before they happen.
Possible events occurred
Log in attempts from an unusual or unrecognized device or location.
Too many incorrect log in attempts.
Requesting any banking operation using unusual pattern.
To enable your account you will have to authenticate your identity so that all the limitations from your account can be removed.
Confirm now [tinyurl link to a notorious spam server withheld]
Thank you,
Wells Fargo
Accountverification@customercare.com
*If this message is on spam folder please send it directly to inbox because the page cannot be accessed.

Dear Mr. Fargo,

Thank you for being so concerned for my well-being that you are even willing to e-mail me about potential problems with bank accounts I don't even remember having. Now that you mention it, I might have had an account in Wachovia bank before greedy financial fraudsters all but destroyed the world's economies, and Wachovia's assets and accounts were sold to Wells Fargo at a bargain basement price. So it's quite possible that I have an account with whatever institution you're representing, and just lost track of it when the bank tanked. Thank you again for bringing this to my attention.

Could you do me the kindness of sending me the routing code and bank account number of the account you are contacting me about? I have a friend who will be able to do an audit and see if anything is amiss.

Thanks!

Someone calling himself Joe Crisanti writes:

Paul Darwin,
I wanted to introduce myself as one of your contacts here at Qlik. I work on our financial services team and help support [company name withheld] directly.
Qlik is currently working with 8 of the top 10 global [business focus withheld] firms where we provide our customers new insights to drive revenue and efficiency throughout the business. Our customers use Qlik to provide insight to their sales teams, compliance departments, portfolio analysts, internal audit teams. Any team that struggles creating fast, easy-to-use, and accurate reports and dashboards from large amounts of data across multiple sources can benefit from using Qlik.
I wanted to share a link that shows you firsthand how many of our current financial services customers are using Qlik to provide trusted decision making capabilities to the business like never before.
Qlik In Financial Services
Would you be free sometime in the next two weeks to discuss your business requirements and to see if Qlik may be a fit at [company name withheld]
Joe Crisanti
Financial Services Account Executive
P: 484-385-1348
E: joe.crisanti@qlik.com

Dear Mr. Crisanti,
Does the range of business services that you claim your company provides including spamming random strangers based on a purloined e-mail list of a company you actually have no relationship with pretending that we're already in business together and you're my new best friend? If that's the case, you may need to refine your business plan a little, because my name is not and has never been Paul Darwin, but whoever stole that e-mail list got that wrong and I've been getting spammed in that name ever since. You should probably go back to the original thief and demand your money back. You probably won't get it back, though, because he or she is a thief. Which, if you think about it makes you a receiver of stolen goods - yet another reason for me to trust every word you say.

I have to confess that if I was looking for any of the business services you offer, your company's web page would have fooled me into thinking you were a legitimate firm - it's THAT good. Being listed on NASDAQ is a nice touch, too. Very few companies whose business plan seems to include scamming/spamming legitimate corporations go to that length.

Now that I think about it, I have a friend who might be able to use your help in making his own business practices look legit. The Exiled Nigerian Prince has more money than he knows what to do with, but it's hard for him to get it into the American financial markets and banking system without setting off all kinds of alarms. He'd be willing to pay you handsomely for help setting up shell corporations that look as legitimate as your company does, so he could move his money around without drawing suspicion.

Would $7,000,000 be enough to get you interested in in such a project? The Prince is willing to pay that much, and possibly more, if you can help him get set up to look at least as legit as your company does.

He would prefer to deposit it in $1 million increments, a month at a time, while he monitors your progress. If at the end of six months, you have helped him achieve his basic business goals, he'd be glad to give you another million dollars as a bonus.

Does that sort of thing appeal to you? If so, please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ], and enter the account number and routing code of the bank account in which you would like the money to be deposited.

Right now the Prince is taking a Cuban family on an extended boat tour of the Caribbean, so he has limited access to the internet. But the next time he gets online, he'll make the first deposit and contact you by e-mail to set up a time to call you from his satellite phone.

Best of luck; I hope you get exactly the kind of success you have coming to you!

Someone calling himself Nick Ferry writes:

Dear business owner of [domain name withheld],
How is it possible that your website is having so many errors? Yes, most of the people share their anger and frustration once they get my email.
Now, I will show you the number of broken links, pages that returned 4XX status code upon request, images with no ALT text, pages with no meta description tag, not having an unique meta description, having too long title, etc., found in your [domain name withheld]
I have a large professional team who can fix all the above issues immediately at an affordable price.

I guarantee you will see a drastic change in your Google search ranking once these are fixed.

If this is something you are interested in, then allow me to send you a no obligation audit report.
Best Regards,
Nick Ferry
Marketing Consultant
nickferrywebmarketin829@gmail.com

------------------------------------------

Dear Nick;
I totally sympathize with the people who "share their anger and frustration" once they get your e-mail. Do you have ANY idea how many scam/spams like this one the average webmaster gets on a daily basis? Darn right, I am angry and frustrated. In fact, this is at least the second time I've gotten exactly the same e-mail from someone claiming to be Nick Ferry. Give it a rest, already!

Also, regarding the promised change in my Google search ranking once you and your team of hackers has had a crack at my web page: I had several of my sites hacked years ago through no fault of my own, and yes, my Google rankings changed radically. They went away completely until I could convince Google that I had restored the sites from a clean HD copy. Which took many hours. In fact one or two of those sites are still blocked from people using certain ISPs, because it's a lot easier to block a site on all the little mom-and-pop ISPs around the country than it is to get them unblocked.

Talk about anger and frustration!

Oh, and by the way, there are no 404 errors on the site you mentioned. I know that because there are only about six pages all with limited links. And there are only about 6 images, all of which have "alt" descriptions. But you don't really care about that because all you really want to do is get into my site and load it with viruses. Or get my credit card info and load up my credit card with fraudulent chargers. Or both.

Are you starting to feel "anger and frustration"?

Tell you what. If you still want to prove you're "one of the good guys," here's a way you can.

I have a friend who cleans houses for a living, who would love to help you with yours. Why don't you e-mail me your address and tell me where you've hidden a spare key outside so she can get into your house and give it a thorough cleaning the next time you're out of town? If you can trust me enough to employ my friend in this way, I'll be glad to trust you to clean up my "electronic house."

Paul,

I've been trying to follow your comments when I get a chance, and I appreciate your attempts to keep my business plan going even on the days when I'm out of touch.

I have to say, it's taken a lot longer to get from Cuba to the Gulf Coast of the U.S. than I expected, in part due to heavy currents and winds doing their best to take me out to sea.

Which also means I'm hitting some of the places I've already visited in the past.

We managed to avoid the dinosaur island when I recognized it from a distance. I remembered Carlos' warning about how dangerous it is for Hispanics.

Then we came to an island that had a wall built across the middle. We couldn't see anything on the side we approached, so I sailed around to the other side. There were a bunch of anxious-looking men with ties working at desks.

When I pulled up to land, one of them looked up and said, "How did you get around the wall?"

I said, "What?"

He said, "That wall was supposed to keep you Mexicans out."

I said, "These aren't Mexicans; they're Cuban refuguees."

He said, "Same difference, really. How did you get around the wall?"

It took me a minute to realize he was serious. I said, "I sailed around it."

The man looked at his coworkers and said, "Now there's something we didn't take into account."

I realized he was serious. "What made you think building a wall across your island would defeat anybody who could steer a boat?"

"Well, most of your Mexican friends don't have boats."

I started to remind them that my passengers were not Mexican, but I realized I was wasting my time. Then I realized that parts of the island looked familiar. I said, "Wait, was this the Celebrity's island?"

"It still is," they said.

"Where'd he go?"

"Haven't you heard? He's running for President of the United States."

"Oh, I thought that was just a joke."

"So did a lot of people until it was too late."

"So what are you doing?"

"Er, damage control."

"Huh."

"Well the Celebrity says a lot of things without thinking about how people might take them. For example, in one debate, he made it sound like any woman who disagreed with him about anything must be having a very bad period. Another time he implied that all Mexicans who come into the United States are murderers and rapists. Once he claimed that a veteran wasn't a hero because he had been captured by the enemy."

"So, your job is to make it sound like that's not what he really meant."

"Oh, no. The Celebrity's core agrees with everything he says, so we can't walk it back. All we can really do is back him up. So, we spread the word that women can't discuss politics objectively because their hormones get in the way. And we make up figures to "prove" that all Mexicans are murders and rapists. And we inundate the friendly airwaves with reasons to distrust the patriotism of former POWs."

"So when the Celebrity says something outrageous, you bend reality to make whatever he said 'true'?"

"What is reality? The Celebrity's fans don't bother learning hard things. It's just easier to believe whatever he and his supporters say. Thinking makes their heads hurt, so we're providing a service, here."

I realized that this conversation was wasting my time, and we just needed to move on. So I cast off again and started to back the boat away from the island.

"Wait a minute!" one of the man shouted. "You haven't paid your share yet."

"My share of what?"

"Of what it cost to build that wall. Did you think concrete grows on trees?"

"Er, no. What?"

"Our boss told us that it was our job to make sure the wall was paid for by people it was meant to keep out."

"First of all, that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Second, it doesn't really keep anybody out."

The man stared stupidly at me for a minute, then he started yelling at me for trying to bring those "Mexican murderers and rapists" onto his island.

I said, "You are wrong on so many ways I don't even know where to start. We'll be going now." And we left.

We'll keep you posted, as we have a chance.

Your friend, Mutabe

Paul,

Sorry for not staying in better touch, but the currents have been giving me fits. I still seem to be retracing my steps, too, if that makes sense on an ocean voyage.

Today we accidentally stopped on the businessman's island again. He was too busy to talk much. In addition to monitoring his inflow of cash, he was also putting together donations for political candidates.

I said, "I thought you were all about keeping your money to yourself."

"Well, sometimes there is a bigger picture."

"Oh, can you give me an example?"

"Well this donation is going to a congressman who has promised to do everything he can to keep poor people in his country from earning a living wage."

"And how does that help you?"

"Remember my formula? Every dime that goes to individual working people is a dime out of my pocket. And when you consider how many working people there are just in the Industrialized world, that's billions of dollars a day. So a few million here, a few million there every election cycle is a good investment for me."

"But you don't really need that money. You have more money than you could spend in a thousand lifetimes. And, frankly, those people need those dimes a lot more than you need those billions."

"That's not your call. And as long as I can afford to buy people to support my interests and not the interest of their so-called constituents, I will."

"But surely voters won't support politicians who are hurting them."

"Of course they will. All I have to do is buy a bunch of advertising that claims that helping working people actually causes them "grievous harm." Oh, and buying radio announcers and fake television news programs helps, too. What makes those folks think they need more money anyway? They'll just spend it on things they don't need."

I said, "I don't think you're in a position to gauge how much other people need things like food, clothing, and shelter, or access to healthcare or education. You've never needed for any of those things in your life."

"And I don't plan to, either. So if you're not going to do anything to help me get people I've successfully bribed get into or keep power for the next political term, I need to ask you to leave. You're a distracting me from a higher purpose."

"What higher purpose?"

"Me, of course. Now move along."

We did.

I thought I was guilty of criminal malfeasance, but compared to this guy, I've been stealing paperclips. He's stealing COUNTRIES!

I'll keep in touch,

Mutabe, the former Exiled Nigerian Prince.

Paul,

As luck would have it, no matter how I tried to steer and fight the currents, I couldn't help going from the businessman's island to the politician's island. But it had changed. There used to be three incoming delivery tubes labeled "Facts," "Contributions," and "Believable Lies." Now there were four. The fourth was labeled "Unbelievable Lies."

The politician was still getting plenty of incoming packets on all four, although the contributions tube was a lot busier than it was the last time I was here. But the politician seemed to have the Facts tube permanently rewired to shoot all of the Facts into the ocean, whether they would do his candidates any good or not. Today, he was dividing the contributions about evenly between the "Believable Lies" and the "Unbelievable Lies" and sending both out again with equal vigor.

I moored temporarily and asked permission to step onto the island.

"Hardly," he said. "I only welcome voters."

I said "The last time I was here, you thought I was a voter."

He said, "Yes, but things have changed. You're a Negro, right?"

I said, "I suppose."

"Well we've figured out how to keep a lot of your people from voting."

"I thought there were laws against that."

"Well, we figured out that if we require a photo ID for every voter, then we close down all the places where you Negroes can get photo IDs, that will accomplish the same thing. Don't take it personally. We're doing the same thing for your Mexican friends, too."

I realized he was talking about the Cubans on my boat, who had come out to witness our conversation. I said, "Sir, these aren't Mexicans, they're Cuban refugees."

"Well, they're not white, and that's the same difference."

"So you've bent the law to reduce the number of non-whites who can vote? Doesn't that affect any white people?"

"Well, it does a few. Like the Amish. Most of them would vote for our side if they could vote."

"Aren't those the people who use horses and buggies?"

"Yes, so it's not like very many of them have drivers' licenses."

"Too bad for them."

"Don't worry about that too much. We have a whole organization that is going to to make sure they can get photo IDs in time to vote. We call it the Amish PAC. On election day, we'll have car pools set up to take them to the voting stations."

"Wait, are you saying that you are working hard to make sure that brown and black people can't vote and bending over backwards to make sure that certain white people can? Isn't that a little . . . er."

"Leave it to a Negro to play the Race Card. Are you saying it's Racist to want your ethnic group to be disproportionately represented in government? I think that's reverse racism. In fact, I think you're a bigger racist than I am." By now he was frowning with righteous indignation that I would consider his obviously racist behavior er, racist.

I could see that this discussion was going nowhere fast. So I changed the subject. "Oh, one more thing. You used to use some facts, and you only used lies that were believable. What changed?"

"Oh that?!" His face brightened again. "We learned that in this election cycle, facts don't matter at all. And that Unbelievable Lies work just as well as Believable Lies. Here's an example." He fished a piece of paper off his desk. "A certain candidate's father was a friend of Lee Harvey Oswald." That one was so good, I kept a copy in case I needed to use it twice. "Of course as it turned out, I didn't need to hang on to it. The week that came out, that candidate watched his announced running mate fall backwards off the platform and didn't even stop glad-handing people long enough to see if she was okay. Suddenly all those things people said about him being unlikeable and devoid of compassion were out there for all to see. Every once in a while, facts do help out. But you just can't count on them."

"But you're seriously counting on Unbelievable Lies to win the election?"

"I know, it's crazy. But we floated a few early in the campaign and our numbers jumped. The other party exposed the lies for what they were and our numbers jumped again. I don't know why, but it seems like the more outrageous and unbelievable we get, the more our numbers grow. The truth isn't even part of the picture!"

By now I was thinking that I should be sailing to Canada, not to the United States, but I don't think my boat would get me that far. I took my leave and pushed off, hoping that our next stop isn't the Angry Man's island.

I'll keep in touch as much as I can. Hope all is well there.

Your friend the Exiled Nigerian Prince.

Someone with the e-mail address <domainsubmit@mail.ru> writes:

Attention: Important Notice , DOMAIN SERVICE NOTICE
Domain Name: [domain name withheld]
ATT: Paul Race
Response Requested By 23 / May. - 2016
PART I: REVIEW NOTICE
Attn: Paul Race
As a courtesy to domain name holders, we are sending you this notification for your business Domain name search engine registration. This letter is to inform you that it's time to send in your registration.
Failure to complete your Domain name search engine registration by the expiration date may result in cancellation of this offer making it difficult for your customers to locate you on the web.
Privatization allows the consumer a choice when registering. Search engine registration includes domain name search engine submission. Do not discard, this notice is not an invoice it is a courtesy reminder to register your domain name search engine listing so your customers can locate you on the web.
This Notice for: [domain name withheld] will expire at 11:59PM EST, 23 - May. - 2016 Act now!
Select Package:
http://domainssubmit.org/?[domain name withheld]
Payment by Credit/Debit Card
Select the term using the link above by 23 - May. - 2016 [domain name withheld]
Domain Notice <domainsubmit@mail.ru>
------------------------

Dear Mr DomainSubmit,
Thank you for your kind concern for the Search Engine rankings of my web page, which I know are bogus, but they sound so sincere. . . .
Thank you especially for hiding your con inside another common con in a most intriguing manner. I found it quite diverting.

I'm always receiving "offers" from a company to submit my domains to various search engines, accompanied by a stern warning that if I don't have them do such a thing, the search engines will not be able to find my domains at all before long. Of course, I've gotten by without their help since 1999, and have seldom had trouble getting good organic placement for my ongoing sites. Those companies are offering me a service that is not needed, period. But in the early days, I always imagined that if I gave them the $50 or whatever they wanted, they would go through the useless exercise of reregistering my domain name with the search engines that are already listing my sites on the first page for most relevant search terms.

But this is even better. Because you're not even that kind of a scammer. You've simply set up a fake page somewhere to take my credit card number so you can use it to go buy Amerian-made jeans or something. And you're attempting to drive me there based on another notorious internet scam.

How do I know that? Because the page you're trying to send me to is hosted on one of the most notorious scam/spam servers in the world.

Great stuff, really!

Tell you what, you seem to be all about receiving ill-gotten gain. If you want to get some real money into your bank account, why don't you check out the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ ExiledNigerianPrince.com ]. The "prince" is trying to get some money smuggled into the United States, but the US has frozen all of his accounts that they know about.

Now here's the disclaimer: the money is stolen, and moving it into the United States without notifying the authorities is a federal crime. Do I have your attention? All you have to do to make millions illegally (the way you apparently like to do things) is to tell the Prince that you can move, say, $10,000,000 for him. Then use the contact page above to send him your bank account information, and he'll deposit $10,000,000 into it.

Now the theory is that you should be able to transfer that money into an account in the United States and keep some agreed-upon-amount as payment for your trouble. But here's the fun part - if you just transfer it all into a bank account into the Cayman islands or some place, he's not exactly going to have you arrested, since he stole the money in the first place.

What are you waiting for? Forget these little credit card scams and go for the big con now!

Someone calling himself/herself Kelly O'Neal writes:

Hi,
I tried to open some of the resources you provide on your web page but was unable to do so.
Who should I send the list of them to so they can be taken care of?
Thanks!
--
Kelly O'Neal
kelly.oneal@edu-collaboration.org
-------------

Thank you for your expression of concern, sent from a 60-day old site pretending to be a real web site hosting useful services for college students but located on a server notorious for content-spamming bloggers.

Sad to say, I know from a previous experience replying to a message like this that you have never visited any of my web sites, much less made a list of missing links or other issues. What you're really doing is testing to see if the e-mail address you got from a fellow spammer is valid enough to start a massive spam campaign against it. Get it line.

But if you think I'm going to make a point of ACTUALLY e-mailing you back instead of posting your spam for the purposes of ridiculing it here, you've got another think coming.

Also if you think I would hold back from posting the e-mail address you used to contact me ( kelly.oneal@edu-collaboration.org ) to keep someone else's email address crawler from adding it to THEIR spam list, you've got anotherthink coming. I know that kelly.oneal@edu-collaboration.org is only one of hundreds of fake e-mail addresses you've used over the last five years, but with any luck kelly.oneal@edu-collaboration.org will start getting overwhelmned with spam and you'll have to disable the account to keep your sanity.

Let me tell you someone who really IS having trouble with his web page - the Exiled Nigerian Prince. He has paid lots of folks to set it up, but when you click on exilednigerianprince.com, you just get a page saying that he's a hoax and doesn't exist. If you can help him with that problem, he'd be delighted. So delighted, that I'm sure he'd shoot some money your way. Let's say $10,000 at the beginning of the project to cover your expenses and another $90,000 at the end of the project.

If that sounds reasonable to you, please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page ( http://exilednigerianprince.com ) and enter the requested bank account information. The Prince is currently taking a lucky Cuban family on an extensive tour of the Gulf of Mexico, but I expect him to get back online soon. As soon as that happens, he'll transfer the first $10,000 into your account.

Best of luck! (You'll need it.)

Paul,

Sorry I've been remiss in contacting you - we've had rough seas. Once again, I appreciate you helping me keep up with correspondence while I'm out of touch. You'll never guess where I am now. But let me go back and tell the story in the right sequence.

After I left the Politician's island, I steered carefully around the Angry Man's island. But the island we next landed on was just as confusing. As we pulled up to it, we saw three people arguing. At first I was tempted to keep going, but when they saw us, they looked so glad to see us, I had to stop.

They were all saying things like "Maybe you can help us sort this out."

"Sort what out?" I asked.

"This election. We're voters and we're confused. For one thing, every time we think we know who to vote for, one of these things shows up.

I could see that the island was littered with Believable Lie and Unbelievable Lie canisters. But what was concerning them were the Fact canisters. Apparently, some of the Facts that the politician had been jettisoning into the ocean were washing up on the island and causing concern.

The first person said, "I think we should take these Facts into account."

The second person said, "I think shouldn't let ourselves be confused by Facts. These Lies are much more to my liking."

The third person said, "I don't know what to think.

The second person said, "Don't. Don't think. It's easier."

The person said, "Okay," and started to smile. "You're right; this IS easier. So what's the best Lie you've come across this week?"

My head started to hurt. Then my stomach started to hurt. I bid them goodbye and set out to sea again. My Cuban friends were simply confused.

Unfortunately the wind turned against us and we found ourselves being pushed backward on our course - all the way to the Angry Man's island. Just as we were floating past, the winds stopped and he recognized me.

Pointing his rifle at me , he said, "Just keep going, friend. And take your Mexican friends with you."

"They're not Mexican; they're Cuban refugees, looking for freedom from the godless communists. Doesn't that count for something?"

He lowered his rifle a little and said, "Maybe. Can they pick fruit?"

"Wait, are you saying you don't want them on your island, but you want them to pick your fruit? How can you have it both ways."

"Well, I have a bunch of mangoes going to waste because I don't have time to pick them all. Can your Mexicans help me out?"

I translated as well as I could for my Cuban passengers. They seemed to think that stretching their legs on shore would be worth a little work.

I asked, "Can you pay them?"

He said, "No, but they can each have a mango."

I told the Cubans what he said, and they thought was a good idea. But I wasn't satisfied.

I said, "How about five cents for every mango they pick. And they each get a mango to eat?"

He said, "How about two cents?" I translated for the Cubans. They seemed pleased. But I wasn't.

I said, "How about three cents each?" He relented, and we disembarked.

As it turned out the island was larger than I had thought, and there were about thirty mango trees laden with fruit. We grabbed some of the Angry Man's empty ammunition crates and headed over. I didn't need the money, but I figured I needed the exercise. Actually, the Cubans didn't really need the money either, but they wanted to get some exercise, too. And I couldn't see why they should work for free.

In a few hours, dodging tarantulas and scaring off snakes, we had a very creditable pile of mangoes in the Angry Man's storage shed. I said, "I count five hundred and thirty-two, not counting the ones we're taking to eat. That's, er, $15.96."

The Angry Man counted the money carefully into my hand, including ninety-six cents worth of change. I had thought that he might give us $16 to even things out, but that didn't happen.

As soon as the money had changed hands, though, he picked up his rifle again and said, "Okay, time to get your damn Mexicans off my island."

I waved to them to get on the boat, but I told him. "Wait a minute! Five minutes ago you were perfectly happy to have them work for slave wages, and now you think they're a threat?"

He said, "I don't THINK they are. I KNOW they are." Still keeping his rifle aimed at me with his right hand, he fished into one of his many Unbelievable Lie canisters with his left hand. Then he brought out a paper and waved it at me as he read, "All Mexicans are murderers and rapists."

I said, "But that's a lie! Look where it came from."

He fished in another Unbelievable Lie canister and brought out a note that read, "No it isn't."

I said, "Yes it is. Look where that one came from!"

He fished in another Unbelievable Lie canister and brought another note that said, "No, it isn't either."

By then the Cubans were back on the boat, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere with this argument, and started to take my leave.

"Wait a minute," the Angry Man said. "You still owe me."

"For what?"

"For your share of the wall?"

"You mean the wall on the celebrity's island?"

"Yes." He fished in another Unbelievable Lie canister and brought out a note that said, "The Mexicans will pay for the wall."

I tried pointing out that my passengers weren't Mexicans, but he brought out a note from another Unbelievable Lie canister that said, "Yes they are."

"Here," I said, giving him back his $15.96. "Consider us even."

We left as fast as we could. But by then a storm was kicking up. It tossed us around so much I had no idea where we were. For several days, we all took turns being seasick while one of us manned the tiller as best we could. We seemed to be out of sat phone and GPS range every time we checked. It went on for days. We kept trying to head north and east, hoping not to get washed out past Florida into the ocean. But we had no idea where were were.

Twice we saw U.S. Coast Guard cutters at a distance, but they were traveling the other direction. Then about dawn this morning, we passed between two islands that were very close together into calmer waters. I saw a lot of buildings, including many tall ones, on both sides of a wide bay. America at last! But where in America?

We passed several shrimp boats in the bay, apparently waiting for the waters to calm, but we kept going. A harbor patrol boat headed our way but went right past us and pulled up against a larger boat that seemed to be in bad shape. We kept going. Maybe if our boat had a transponder, we wouldn't have gotten so far.

After a bit, the bay opened out to the left, and we just kept going. By now we were blending in with the local traffic, so I had two concerns. How could I get the Cubans to the federal authorities so they could apply for refugee status? And how could I dock my boat and sneak my millions of dollars in rotting carpet bags ashore safely, without coming to the attention of the federal authorities?

Eventually I hit on a plan. By now every one of my Cuban passengers could pilot the boat as well as I could. I kept going upriver until I saw a dock that seemed more or less abandoned. I moored the boat long enough to smuggle my cash to shore and hide it in some bushes. Then I came back on-board long enough to tell the Cubans to go back downriver again and find the harbor patrol or any Coast Guard vehicles. I also taught them to say, in English, "Please help. We are refugees from Cuba." That took more time than anything else. I also told them to say they had come up all by themselves. Then I gave them all the small bills I had - $83, knowing the hundreds would cause suspicion, and we parted ways.

I went up-shore, fished a hundred dollars out of my stash, hid the carpet bags a little better, and went looking for a place to buy clothing and a razor (I was back to a full beard again).

The first place I saw was a gas station with a bunch of printed t-shirts hanging out front. I went in and found a razor, some extra razor blades, and some shaving cream. I also bought a T-Shirt that had a cartoon of an alligator drinking beer in a reclining lawn chair, labeled "Welcome to Biloxi!" I also realized how hungry I was and bought a hot dog from a little heater device with rollers that had apparently been keeping it warm for weeks. On the way out, I saw some flip-flops and bought them as well. I had been barefoot so long I didn't even thing about shoes anymore. But there a sign near the door that said, "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service," so I figured I should ease my way back into the habit.

I wondered why the fellow let me buy the other stuff while I was barefoot, then I realized that the post he was leaning on to take a smoke had a "No Smoking" sign. I guess, in Biloxi, there are rules and there are rules.

I asked if I could used his restroom, and he said, "I have a better idea, if you're going to shave off that beard." He took me out back where there was a sort of service sink, the kind you would rinse mops in, but there was a mirror hanging over it. "Don't feel bad," he said, "This is where I make the swamp rats shave when they come in, too."

I didn't know what a swamp rat was, but I thanked him nicely and got started. I went ahead and shaved my head too, while I was at it. It had been itching a little too much for comfort lately. Then I cleaned up as well as I could and put on the new shirt. Before I could replace my ragged pants, though, I passed an internet cafe. The owner wanted me to show my ID before he'd let me use one of the computers, but he changed his mind when I offered him $30 and bought his most expensive coffee and a Danish.

So, I'm sorry for the very long post, but I did want to catch you up while I had the chance.

Apparently I'm in Mississippi. But at the moment, that's about all I know. In the meantime, it is nice to have my feet on solid ground again.

Best of luck,

Your friend the Exiled Nigerian Prince.

P.S. If the coffeehouse will let me stay a little longer, I'll start working on that backlog of scammers and spammers you've sent my way. Thanks again!