Paul,

Thanks for the explanation. That helps a little.

Here's some good news - I may have found a way off the island. During my exploration of the network of tunnels, I have discovered a sort of underground marina, with a number of boats, including a 24' cabin cruiser that would certainly handle Maria's family and me. The boat is out of fuel, though and I couldn't find any in that part of the comblex, so I will have to keep looking.

Here's something a little strange - a number of odd creatures have been following me through the complex. They are about waist high, and they look, for all the world, like small dinosaurs. I know that's impossible. When I turn around and shout and wave my arms, they back off, but as soon as I turn my back or I go into a darkened part of the complex, they get closer. I don't know if they're hungry or just curious, but I don't plan on taking any chances. Several times I have closed a door between me and them and continued along the way. But an hour or two later, they find me again, having worked their way around through other tunnels. Did I mention that their teeth are very sharp and they have long talons on all four feet?

Once I thought I smelled Emmanuel's coffee and turned up a corridor, but I soon lost the scent. I'm thinking that it must have come down from another corridor above this one. So the next time I see anything that looks like stairs, I'll go up and double back this way, assuming my little friends don't eat me first.

Now there's a cheerful note. Sorry, you know I am generally an optimist, but something about slinking through these dark moldy tunnels all day has dampened my spirits. Not to mention playing hob with my sinuses. I am sorry that I can't give you an update about what is going on outside, but for the moment I'm probably safer with a pack of waist-high dinosaurs than with El Guapo and his men.

Here's hoping that you are having a better day,

Your friend, the Exiled Nigerian Prince

Somone calling himself Howard Erickson writes:

Hello,

Do you need more leads of buyers?
Do you need more business?
Do you need more sales?

We can generate you new buyers leads and increase your sales by our mailing service.
That will grow your business sales 1-2 times than what it is now.

Please reply for pricing.

Best Regards,
Howard Erickson
bariddy@sina.com
boyydi@sina.com
vernueyas@yahoo.com

----------------

Dear Bariddy, or Boyydi, or Vernueas, or Howard,

Thank you for your kind offer to get me more "leads of buyers," whatever that means. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure where to respond, since you have three separate e-mail addresses in your information.

As far as I can tell, you are offering to help me spam countless individuals, just as you have spammed me.

The fact that you have contacted me through sina.com, a domain name noted for generating a large portion of the world's spam, shows that you probably know your stuff. If I had no moral fiber, or any reason whatsoever to trust you, I might be tempted to take you up on your offer. to get more "leads of buyers" through wholesale spamming.

That said, I can put you in contact with someone with no moral fiber, if you'd be willing to pay a finder's fee for any business we generate. I haven't heard from Fake Jeffrey Skilling in a while, but I'm sure he's still active. I will put him in touch with you for a $30 finder's fee if you would like. Unfortunately my financier for this sort of operation, the Exiled Nigerian Prince, is temporary unable to use credit cards or PayPal to receive your fee. However, if you go to his contact page ( http://exilednigerianprince.com ) and follow the instructions there, he can set things up to withdraw the $30 from your account as soon as you are satisfied with the deal. Here's hoping you both get all the "leads of buyers" and the financial reward you deserve.

Hi, Paul,

I'm still exploring the many tunnels, still being followed by a pack of short, but deadly-looking reptiles. They have yet to mount an attack though. Which made me wonder if they were looking up to me, somehow - figuratively as well as literally.

Well, my luck has never been all bad, and today was no exception. Exploring one underground facility, I came across a food storage room. Obviously much of the food was bad, but some of the cans looked like they might still be good, even if they're 15 years past their expiration dates. I tried one can, labeled "Cream of Mushroom" soup, but it must have been bad, because it was just a tasteless white paste with little brown hunks that formed a skim on the top as it cooled. I ate it anyway, because I was very hungry. I haven't got sick yet, which is a good sign. Then I opened a box of something labeled "beef jerky and found about a thousand little pieces of something brown wrapped in separate cellophane wrappers with a picture of a bull on them.

As soon as I opened the first package and took a bite, the little dinosaurs swarmed around me looking for all the world like a bunch of dogs begging for food. So I unwrapped one and threw it across the room. Three of the things ran after it. The first one got it, then all three returned to me and started begging for more. Now my arms are sore because I emptied half the case opening the beef jerky wrappers and throwing them for the creatures to chase and eat. I'm also very thirsty, since I ate about ten of them myself. Like I said, I was very hungry. But the things are outrageously salty. How can anybody consider this food?

I realized that the reptiles must be as thirsty as I was, so I found a huge basin and filled it water. They emptied it, so I filled it again. They they all laid down to sleep in a big circle around me, which is not as "homey" as it sounds, since they are also belching and passing gas. Come to think of it, so am I, though with slightly less vigor.

I know nothing about reptiles of any kind. Is it possible that they think I am their mother or something? Or did I become an "alpha" something because I fed them? At any rate, they do not seem quite as dangerous as they did before, but I don't think I'll make a habit of turning my back on them.

I still know nothing about what's going on outside, but I have a pretty good idea where Maria and her family are, based on the coffee smells, so I will try to work my way through to them soon.

Your friend and dinosaur-whisperer, Mutabe.

Paul and Mutabe (or Prince, or whatever I'm supposed to call you),

This is Saide, using Mutabe's account. Sorry for the hacking, but you need to know what is going on. El Guapo has found Emmanuel and his family and is threatening to start shooting people unless you turn yourself in. I've been telling him that I had no way of getting in touch with you, but this might work.

So reply as soon as you can, so I can tell El Guapo what your plan is.

Also, the way you described the Cream of Mushroom soup is exactly the way it tastes, so you're probably safe on that score.

- Saide

Saide,

This is the Exiled Nigerian Prince, whom you know as Mutabe.

Tell El Guapo that I will come out as soon as I can find my way out of the tunnels. Also - this may help calm his temper - I may have a way off the island - I found an underground marina with at least one cabin cruiser that looks like it would run if we had fuel.

Whatever you think of me, I am counting on you to protect the civilians.

- Mutabe (formerly known as "Prince")

A correspondent writes:

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-------------------------------------

Thank you for your kind offer to give me "Affordable Excitement." However based on the e-mail address you used and the single virus-prone site you linked to in ALL 5 links in your e-mail, I don't NEED the kind of excitement you are offering.

However, I do know of a fellow who might could use your services in helping set up his own web page. His name is El Guapo, an he is one of the biggest drug cartel leaders in Central America. El Guapo is coming to realize that he can make even more money scamming stupid Americans than he can poisoning them with cocaine. The way I hear it, he wants to try to use the business model pioneered by a mutual friend, the Exiled Nigerian Prince. If you can help him get started, El Guapo would only be too happy to pay you far more than the virus host server guys are paying you. Would $135,000 be a good start?

Unfortunately El Guapo and the Exiled Nigerian Prince are currently visiting a unique amusement park with intermittent internet acces. And due to a "perfect storm" of unfortunate misunderstandings, both men's credit cards have been put on hold until they appear at a Guatemalan court to face ch . . . , er, to answer some questions. But never fear, the Exiled Nigerian Prince CAN transfer money by direct deposit and get El Guapo to pay him back later. If this offer appeals to you, simply go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page ( http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ) and follow the instructions there to enter your bank account information. Then the next time the Exiled Nigerian Prince has internet access, he will access your account and perform the transfer of money.

Prince,

I just heard from a notorious Russian gangster who was ACTUALLY dumb enough to go to your contact page and enter his bank account information. I just told him to do that as a joke; I never thought he'd be dumb enough to go for it. And I NEVER NEVER thought you'd be stupid enough to log on to the internet and raid his bank account. Don't bother escaping from the island - you now have the Russian mob after you along with everybody else, and they aren't as polite as El Guapo.

Please make whatever sacrifices you need to do to keep Maria and the children safe. They still have a future. While I hate to say this, you don't.

P.S. Before you turn yourself over to El Guapo, shouldn't you e-mail me all of your bank account numbers and pass codes for safe keeping? Just for YOUR benefit, of course.

Paul,

El Guapo has been kind enough to allow me to contact you and let you know what is going on. Actually things are much better than I expected.

When I started to work my way back to the surface, my little posse of miniature dinosaurs or whatever they are showed every sign of wanting to follow me. So I found a bag and emptied the rest of the box of beef jerky into it in case I needed to win their friendship again.

When I was nearing daylight, I saw one of El Guapo's mercenaries a few yards away from the tunnel entrance. I shouted out to him and told him to bring El Guapo so I could turn myself in to him. He came into his tunnel brandishing his AK-47 and a machete and said, "Why don't I just bring you to him? Or maybe why don't I just bring him your head?"

Immediately, my posse was between me and the mercenary, growling and showing their teeth. And they have a lot of teeth.

The mercenary said, "Or not. Follow me, please." I don't blame him a bit for being intimidated. They're easily six inches taller than they were yesterday, and I'm sure they'd be quite dangerous to anyone they didn't like.

My posse and I followed the mercenary out into the open, where we saw El Guapo. We also saw Carlos, Saide, Kim, Emmanuel, and Maria tied to posts in the plaza, dangerously exposed to the island's wildlife. The children were in a makeshift corral a few yards away, being guarded by another mercenary.

When El Guapo saw me, he commanded his men to "take him." But as they approached, my posse growled and showed their teeth again. They're even scarier in daylight, now that I think about it. As the mercenaries hesitated, I shouted. "El Guapo, I'm coming to you. We need to talk."

El Guapo eyed the not-so-little dinosaurs cautiously as I approached. But he stood his ground. We sat on a bench, with a ring of mercenaries around him and a ring of dinosaurs around me. The man positively reeked of Emmanuel's coffee. He was also vibrating.

I said, "So you've been drinking Emmanuel's coffee."

He said, "Yes, it's the best coffee I ever tasted."

I said, "Promise you won't get mad if I told you how it is made." Then I did. To my surprise he laughed heartily. He said, "Perhaps I am in the wrong business. I think I could get a lot of money for this."

I told him I had a distributor. Then I offered to show him the boat we talked about. Somehow the buzz from Emmanuel's coffee seemed to have taken an edge off of his anger, and he agreed. I asked him to let the captives return to safety and he agreed to that, too. Then I checked on the children. They were very afraid of my posse, of course, but I gave them each three strips of beef jerky and showed them how to throw them to the dinosaurs. After a few minutes, I felt like the dinosaurs were starting to accept the children as part of the tribe, too, or whatever dynamic applies. We can only hope.

To make a long story short, El Guapo seemed to think the boat was promising. He had his men start up a nearby generator and jump the thing's batteries. It turned over nicely.

Since then, we returned to the plaza area. We have yet to work out the details of any agreement, but I think the imminent threat of death at the hands of El Guapo seems to have passed for the moment.

I also showed El Guapo's men where the old food storage room is, though I cautioned them not to eat from any cans that showed rust or said "Cream of Mushroom."

Cross your fingers - we may get out of this alive. Well, except for the seven Latinos that Carlos keeps reminding me about.

Your friend, the Exiled Nigerian Prince.

On a related topic, from Texts From Superheroes: http://textsfromsuperheroes.com/image/126467709993

A reader writes:

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Google’s recent updates aim to filter out websites that are not mobile friendly or have critical mobile usability errors. These websites will miss out on the ranking in Google SERPs. After analyzing your website, we have found that you website is lacking mobile-friendliness, in other words it’s not appropriately designed for an optimized mobile display in Smartphones and iPhones. This may cost you a better ranking.

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-----------------------------------------

Nick, first of all, let me congratulate you on the brave step of letting a member of Yoda's species write your headlines. Although copying your last paragraph (Let me know if you are interested. I can assure you of great results. Your response is highly awaited. If we fail to achieve our targets, then 100 percent money back.) from the most notorious fake SEOs in the world, without even fixing the syntax, might have been a misstep.

Also, I must thank you for warning me that a reference web page with hundreds of 2,000-word articles containing complex information that you can't find anywhere else on the internet (except for the pages that plagiarize me directly) is NOT mobile-friendly. Ya think?!

Whether you are just trying to get my credit card number to do some identity theft stuff or trying to get my FTP passwords to inundate my site with malware, I think I will have to pass on your kind offer, though. In the meantime, my consulting fee for reviewing this sort of thing is a flat rate of $1000, so I expect you to remit that amount to me upon receipt of this reply. If you have trouble using PayPal, BitCoin, or Visa to do so, that's fine. We can facilitate a direct withdrawal from your bank account. Simply go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page ( http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ) and enter the requested bank account information.)

Right now the Prince is negotiating a complex three-way business deal at a geographic location with only intermittent internet access. But as soon as he gets back on line, he can facilitate your payment, and you can incorporate my advice into future scam e-mails with a clear conscience. Here's wishing you exactly the financial reward you deserve!