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PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2016 9:29 am 
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Paul,

I apologize again for not keeping in better touch, but the Candidate and the Duke have been keeping a close watch on us since one of the Candidate's followers showed the Duke this thread on his smartphone. We convinced him that it wasn't really us sending the messages. At first he didn't believe us, but we started trying to explain IP spoofing and so on, and he listened until his face turned red and his eyes started to cross, and he said, "Nevermind" and stormed off. He tried explaining what he had seen and what we had said to the Candidate, but the Candidate simply said, "Don't waste my time with little stuff. I know all about it. It's amazing what I know about it. I know more about the internet than the guys who invented it."

I've stopped calling him King, even as a joke, since it occurs to me that he could actually win this election if enough people keep buying into his lies. The trail of Unbelievable Lie canisters gets bigger every day, and you should see him purse his lips when he pulls out a note and likes what he sees.

If this was a television show instead of an election, some of it would be hilarious. For example, after bragging to us non-stop about all the women he had slept with, he has started publicly attacking an opposing candidate on the grounds that the candidate's spouse had been unfaithful. And worse yet, he claims that his administration will be "clean," in a moral sense, I suppose. Of course, that could happen if wife #3 (with whom he was sleeping while he was still married to wife #2) replaces his Viagra pills with Ibuprofen.

I've been along on at least two occasions when he told predominantly black audiences that he understood with the kind of hell they go through every day of their lives, and he was going to make life "wonderful" for them. Let me tell you, he hasn't been making life "wonderful" for me.

At the same time, he claims that he is going to start showing his more refined, thoughtful side any time. He's been working on something to memorize and recite at his next appearance. I've heard him try out a few phrases on the Duke, but the poor fellow had no idea what the Candidate was trying to say. What is a "bare bodkin," anyway?

Ooops, sounds like their majesties are stirring, so I'd better sign off.

Your friend, Mutabe, a.k.a. Jim, a.k.a the Exiled Nigerian Prince


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 8:52 am 
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A reader writes:

Your Oracle 12c environment has ...

NIHIL COMPARAT PROBES <[[#]]>

Paul Darwin,

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vivamus cursus urna sit amet sem commodo vulputate feugiat vel lacus. Mauris porttitor dui scelerisque, auctor lorem eu, facilisis nisl. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur.
Mauris porttitor dui <[[#]]> scelerisque, auctor lorem eu, facilisis nisl. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Consectetur adipiscing elit. Vivamus cursus urna sit amet sem c

-----------------------------

Dear Nihil,

Thank you for your apparent concern about my Oracle environment. Unfortunately, the last time I worked with Oracle was in the early 2000's at Nationwide Global (a branch of Nationwide Insurance that Deloitte & Touche consultants "broke" by overpromising on an Amarta/Oracle solution that was ultimately undeliverable). The time before that was a more successful project, helping Tulane University migrate some of its "back office" systems to an Oracle-based environment in the late 1990s. If they're still using that system, I suspect that they have it under control by now. I do miss New Orleans sometimes, though, so if you can figure out how to get me back there, especially before cold weather hits Ohio, I'd appreciate it.

Unfortunately the rest of your message makes no sense at all. I have a suspicion that you're really just testing out a new spam server and hadn't got around to filling in the actual message before you hit transmit. Either that or you're practicing to be a speech-writer for Sarah Palin.

As my readers know, I get so many spams every day, I only post the most interesting or unusual ones here, so you get credit for that at least. Ordinarily I refer my readers to the original superstar of spam, the Exiled Nigerian Prince, for help with whatever problem they ostensibly contact me about. This message, however, gives me nothing to go on, so I'll have to wait until you send me something more coherent.

Oh, and by the way, my name is STILL not Paul Darwin. The stolen company e-mail list that you paid for was not only illegal, but also full of errors.

Until we meet again, auctor lorem eu, facilisis nisl!


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 4:10 pm 
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Paul,

I see Mutabe, er Jim, got a chance to give you an update. I still don't know what a "bare bodkin" is, but I'm afraid I know how the Candidate has decided to use the phrase. While planning his next speech, he took me aside and had me help him memorize a sort of poem that he said would show his more creative, cultured side, a sort of kinder, gentler Candidate, I suppose. Once he was sure he had the poem memorized, he wadded up the paper he had written it on and threw it away. But I pulled it out because I wanted to send it to you.

Here is the poem that the Candidate says he is going to include in his speech tonight.

To build, or not to build; that is the bare bodkin
That makes catastrophe of such a long campaign;
For who would slanders bear, till Trump Resorts do come to Turnberry,
But that the fear of something after election loss murders thoughtful speech,
Huge career's second act,
And makes us rather sling the twitters of outrageous remarks
Than cling to factoids that we know not of.
There are the polls that must give us pause:
Wake Reagan with thy knocking! I would thou couldst;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The liberal’s wrong-thinking, the stateswoman's logic,
The liberal court’s delay, and the voter revulsion which bigoted threats might cause.
In the dark halls and middle of the night, when confetti litters
Under the still-ringing hail of lies,
But that the undiscovered country of truth from whose spring no politician returns unhindered,
Breathes forth paranoia on the world,
And thus the easily unhinged, like the uneducated I love to cheat,
Are driven to fear and self-harm.
And all the misdirection that Fox New has rained upon our housetops,
With this regard their thoughts turn awry,
And take self-destructive actions (like voting for me).
‘Tis a conclusion devoutly to be wished.
But soft you, the reputedly frail Ophillary:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws.
But get thee to a nunnery—go!

I'll let you know how it goes,

Your friend's friend,

Shucks


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2016 4:21 pm 
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Paul,

I see Shucks has sent you a copy of the soliloquy that the Candidate was going to recite to prove that he was a deep, thoughtful person in spite of everything else he said and did. During his stop this evening, he recited it, word for word to a hushed audience. After he was done, though, they stayed hushed. I don't think it meant any more to them than it did to me. There were many, many confused looks.

For several minutes, I think the Candidate thought he had awed them all into silence, and they would start applauding once they had reflected enough. But the more time went by the more embarrassed they seemed to be in the same room. A few started sneaking out the back.

"Just a minute!" he shouted. Then, to everyone's great surprise, he started taking off his clothes. As it turned out, he had painted every inch of himself besides his hands and head blue. He shot Shucks a look and said, "You thought I didn't see your post, did you?" Then he began prancing around the platform like a madman.

The crowd went wild, jumping up and down, stomping their feet, clapping their hands, and shouting his name over and over again. Finally, he just plain wore down. He pulled on his trousers, shouted "Thank you very much," picked up the rest of his clothes and headed for the door. He barely got out before the crowd rushed the stage.

As we headed back to the boat, he said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” I didn't know what to say.

Back at the river, he jumped in and scrubbed off most of the blue paint. When he was finally ready to sit back and relax, he laughed again. Then he said, "Do you know, I could stand in the middle of the street and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters!"

Once I would have thought that was a ridiculous claim, but after tonight's "performance" I'm not sure he was wrong. How low does a person have to sink before these people he's attracting in droves have their gag reflex engage?

More confused and concerned every day, I remain,

Your friend Jim (formerly known as Mutabe A.K.A the Exiled Nigerian Prince)


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:45 pm 
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Posts: 984
Dear reader,

If you've read this far, you know that I started this adventure as a way of poking fun at common internet scams and the like. That said, here's a VERY REAL scam, I want you to be aware of.

Today in the mail, I received a letter from a charity I've never had anything to do with, which is not listed on any of the sites that lists reputable charities thanking me and my wife for our past generosity. Apparently people are more inclined to give to the charity if they think its one they've supported in the past.

This particular one brags that they have a huge force of missionaries in the field, as well as a Bible College/University where they are training over 150 more young people to go out and share the gospel in the mission field.

I would have pitched the note immediately, since I knew from the "thank you for your past generosity" opening that it was a scam, but it was a reminder that we are entering the season for scams. So I looked the place up. There's a Wikipedia article full of information lifted directly from their web page. The "university" is "accredited" by an accreditation agency based in a place notorious for degree mills. They MAY be doing their best, but they're not who they pretend to be.

Several years ago, calls, e-mails, and letters from other charity scams inspired me to write an article for Family Christmas Online called "Make Your Giving Count."

Personally I believe in helping people who need it. But when it comes to people in other states or countries, I prefer to send my help through organizations with reputations for handling money responsibly and helping the people they are supposed to be helping. PLEASE read the "Make Your Giving Count" before you give some phony charity money they don't deserve, while robbing real, needy people of help at the same time.

Here's the link: https://familychristmasonline.com/musin ... _count.htm


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 15, 2014 3:39 pm
Posts: 984
Dear readers:

As you know, I use this forum to expose scams, and ordinarily don't bother with ordinary spams. But this one is in a class of its own.

A reader writes:

Subject: Re: is your company sale meat lighting lamp

Hi dear

I am Panix from Topfresher who as a global LED display lighting Solution supply in China for many years.
We can saving your projects cost , make customer buy more from your shop.
LED market is very competition today , Do you look for something special and quality new LED products ?
We are the manufacturer of Food, Fashion, Arts special display.
If your are interested in open a new market, we are the best partner in the global with professional experience for many years.
Don’t hesitate for send a e-mail to ask detail information. 2016-10-14 23:05:33
Food display lighting series
2016-10-14 23:05:33V9

Fashion Art display [graphic withheld]
Supremarket Frozen lighting [graphic withheld]
Special effect made from Topfresher [graphic withheld]

Please contact with me by follows :
Best regards
Your Panix
ledamp08@ledampslighting.com

-------------------------------------------
Dear Panix,

I have to confess that you win this week's award for the least coherent spam. Fortunately for you, I have a lot of experience with international trade and communications, so I have a pretty good idea of what you're trying to sell me. Unfortunately for you, I do not "sale meat lighting lamp" or any of the other products you contacted me about.

Best of luck "saling" your fine products to people who can actually use them,

Paul


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:51 pm 
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Posts: 984
Someone calling himself Julian Thompson writes:

Subject line: Re: Payments question

comment: Do you process over $10K in credit card charges a month? We can beat your rate and save you money, guaranteed!

If we can't beat your rate, we'll pay you $500!

In addition, we have the best equipment on the market (This is the same equipment we provide to our corporate clients) and will provide you with a 100% risk free trial. Don't like the equipment? Return it for a full refund of all equipment fees.

Here are a few other things that set us apart from the competition:
- Integrated marketing and customer relationship management system
- 24/7 Customer support
- Gift card program that can only be redeemed in your store or on your site

We would like the opportunity to earn your business by saving you money and proving you with exceptional service. Please let me know when we can speak about your current rates and provide you with information on what our services can do for you.

Thanks!

Julian Thompson
datalogicx@gmail.com
Los Angeles, CA, 91423

---------------------------------------

Dear Julian,

Thank you for contacting me. I have had a continual stream of people who owe me money pay me what they owe me on time, with minimal service fees. Obviously this situation is intolerable, and I need to shake things up by betting my income stream on a person who won't even provide a company name or street address, or a company e-mail address.

Actually, I'm neck deep in other projects right now, but I know someone who could probably use your help. The Exiled Nigerian Prince is currently on a river tour of the southern Mississippi's most backwards communities, in the company of a would-be demagogue who keeps getting off the boat to inspire ignorant crowds to rage and anger with shouted lie after lie after lie. Lately the fellow seems to have been inciting violence among his followers - certainly many of them are swallowing his claim that the election is rigged against him, and ignoring the fact that many folks who have dropped support in recent days were scared off by his own admission that he molests women, including strangers, for fun.

But that's not why we're having this interaction. Since he's been on this tour, the Prince has had trouble getting folks to pay him for his services, and he would love to sign up with you company. In fact, he'll be glad to advance YOU $5000 just to get started with your program. Unfortunately, there are big swatches on the river where he can't interface to the internet consistently. However, you can get things lined up by going to his contact page [ http://exilednigerianprince.com ] and answering the required questions, including the routing code and bank account information of the account where you would like him to deposit his advance.

Here's hoping you achieve the financial success you so obviously deserve!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:59 am 
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Paul,

Sorry for not posting more, but we are under constant surveillance from the Candidate and his henchmen - yes, he's invited some other folks on board who are just as shiftless as he is, including someone named Rudy who is on his third wife and claims that one of the other candidates doesn't respect marriage the way he does. In some ways he's even creepier than the Candidate. Unlike the Candidate, he seems to have the judgment and forethought to know that what is is saying and doing is wrong - no, evil - but it doesn't stop him from doing it.

Shucks is looking over my shoulder as I type this and making suggestions, so if part of this note seems to sound more like him than me, that's why.

What really bothers me is the increasing tone of violence that is pervading the whole campaign. The Candidate (who threatened that his supporters would "probably riot" if he didn't get the nomination) is now threatening a vague "revolution" if he doesn't win the presidency, which he has already blamed on a "rigged election." He's already suggested that his gun-loving followers "take care" of things if his opponent is elected. When his "followers" change the chant from "Lock her up" (which is sick and twisted in and of itself) to chants that promote physical violence and he just gloats like it's all part of his plan, I get so sick to my stomach that I can hardly keep from vomiting on the spot. What are your countrymen thinking?

I have caught glimpses of the ads that the Candidate and his rich friends have been airing on television, and I can't believe the networks would air all of the outright lies and distortions they are spewing. For example, claiming that his opponent's foundation only give 6% of the money that comes in to other charities, while ignoring that almost all of the money that comes in goes directly to relief work; and that the Candidate's own foundation seems to exist only to pay for portraits of the Candidate and as a slush fund to bribe prosecutors to close cases against him. Or the video that claims that the other candidate was doing anything wrong by smashing old cell phones. Everyone with a lick of sense knows that you can't erase e-mails by destroying cellphones. (The e-mails are all on servers somewhere, not on your phone.) Or that if your old cell phone could possibly be used to access confidential information, you NEED to destroy it. But the Candidate seems to be targeting people without a lick of sense. I can't believe that such a large percentage of your fellow citizens are so ignorant of so many things and so predisposed to believe lies.

Oh, my favorite, is your Christian leaders claiming that you need to vote for the most immoral, unprepared, corrupt person who has ever run for the presidency because he decided at the last possible moment he was against abortion (the same claim made by Reagan, Bush I, and Bush 2, none of whom did anything about abortion once they were in office). With the Candidate's sexual history, do they honestly think he has never paid for an abortion, or several? Or that they can trust a serial adulterer and self-confessed sexual predator to take even ONE moral stand once he is in the oval office?

One way or the other, it will all be over in a couple of days. If you don't hear from me before Tuesday night it's either because they're keeping me away from the Internet again or they decided to use me for practice for lynching the current president, which many in the Candidate's crowd seem to think is a good idea. In fact, I'm free to type this tonight, because I had two ribs broken at the last rally (for weeks, people in the crowds have been elbowing me in the gut, smacking me in the head, and trying to trip me or otherwise hurt me, just because I'm black, and the Candidate just grinned like it was all a big joke). So I used an actual "doctor's excuse" to stay away from tonight's rally, and Shucks suggested that he should stay, too, just to keep an eye on me.

Your friend Jim (keeping this name for another two days in the hopes that the Candidate doesn't realize I'm an illegal immigrant and have me arrested, deported, or lynched). Also, Shucks gives his best wishes!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 10:14 am 
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Paul, This is one quick message before we raise anchor (so to speak; actually we're tied to a dock). The last henchman that the Candidate sent to watch over us while the rest of the party was at the rally woke up and decided to walk into town for a beer. They took the keys to the boat, after asking Mutabe if he could hotwire the thing. He didn't understand that they assumed he could hotwire it because he was black, so he didn't know to take offense. I took offense, though I didn't show it. After all, they assumed I couldn't hotwire the boat because I'm white. Do they really think all white people are as stupid as the people cheering "lock her up" and even more violent things at the rallies?

At the moment we are borrowing one of the henchman's laptops, which is picking up a wifi signal from a brothel near the dock. Once we move off, we will lose the signal, and I don't know when we'll be back in touch. Jim has released the ropes, with the idea that we'll drift out into the river a bit before I hotwire the engine, to avoid drawing attention from any henchmen nearby.

We're drifting now. Part of me almost wants to stick around to see this ridiculous charade through, but as the Candidate and his henchmen get increasingly desperate and prone to encourage violence, I fear for our safety, especially that of Mutabe. If the Candidate has let his followers use him as a punching bag before the election, what will happen when he loses? I say "when" and not "if" because after all the hate and ignorance I've seen in the last several weeks, I still can't believe that most Americans are stupid enough to want him in the White House. I'm going to hit submit now, as the signal's getting weak.

Your friend's friend, Shucks


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:28 pm 
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Mutabe and Shucks,

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you've finally "drydocked" that bunch of lunatics, as I was beginning to fear for your safety. I also realize it may be some time before you get this, but I wanted to straighten one thing out.

The so-called religious leaders who are backing the most immoral, unethical, dishonest, corrupt person who's ever run for the presidency do not speak for me. Neither do they speak for my God.

A number of them are working on the principle that even a totally unprincipled hater, bully, liar, serial adulterer and sexual predator who claims to be against abortion (at the moment) deserves your vote more than a "pro-choice" candidate who is still married to their first spouse and has a long history of trying to do the right thing by the underprivileged and middle class people of America. The fact that the Candidate who co-opted your boat was "Pro-Choice" before the political party he hijacked told him he had to be "Pro-Life" and that his entire life is a history of lies, threats, and fraud doesn't seem to enter into it the discussion.

Here's a question, would you rather deal with a person you disagree with but who generally seems to be trying to do the right thing or a known scoundrel known for breaking his word who is telling you what you want to hear? Apparently there are a lot of so-called "Evangelical leaders" are so easily deceived that they would go for the latter.

I voted for Ronald Reagan because he was "going to do something about abortion." You see how that worked out. Yes, people like to credit Reagan with ending the Cold War, but he did it chiefly by threatening to significantly increase defense spending in a way that the CCCP couldn't match, and he would have been quite happy placing the cost burden on the middle class. What people don't like to hear that the deregulation and union-busting that Reagan encouraged did a lot to increase the gap between the working class and the 1%, and it laid the foundation for the 2008 recession. I lived through his "trickle-down economics" and the only thing I got out of it was "the farther down you are the more you get trickled on." Now we have a person without one tenth of Reagan's fiber promising to "do something about abortion" and abortion foes are rallying around him in spite of hourly evidence that the man shouldn't be trusted with the proverbial burnt-out-match.

And worse yet, they don't seem bothered by the racist, hate-filled, misogynistic, bullying, even violent tone that he has set and encouraged by his whole campaign. Very few of them stayed upset very long when they learned that the fellow has assaulted many women and bragged about it. Frankly, even the ones who said they were "distancing themselves" after that revelation have no excuse - they knew the man's character all along and chose to hope those bits wouldn't come to light until after the election.

Sadly, religious leaders making compromises to protect their positions is nothing new (they're the only people Jesus preached against in the Bible). What is terrifying, though, is how anyone who actually studies their Bibles and pays attention to world events through reliable sources could possibly believe that the Candidate you know so well is "THE moral choice."

Frankly, I fear for their souls if they are so easily deceived. I do not fear for the souls of those who are deceiving them, though, even the ones with thousands or millions of followers. Some will certainly have a lot of "'splainin' to do." Whether they also hear the words "Depart from me; I never knew you," is between then and the God whose principles they daily betray, while posing as respectable figures and telling other people how they should live.

Enough of that. Suffice it to say that the number of people whose judgment I trust has gone way down this election cycle. And the cause of Christ has not been served by those who claim to be His representatives.

Shucks, you seem to already have a "handle on this." Mutabe, I pray that you find yourself among real first-century Bible-following Christians who live the way Jesus lived on earth and love the way He loves you now.

Hoping for the best. By the time we talk again, we'll know whether to expect a new Kristallnacht or something.

- Paul


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