A reader identifying himself as suzanne morse, gmsm99@aol.com writes:

Sorry for any inconvenience, I'm in a terrible situation. Am stranded here in Kiev, Ukraine since last night. I was hurt and robbed on my way to the hotel I stayed and my luggage is still in custody of the hotel management pending when I make payment on outstanding bills I owe. Am waiting for my colleagues to send me money to get back home but they have not responded and my return flight will be leaving soon. Please let me know if you can help and I will refund the money back to you as soon as I get back home.

-----------------------------------------

I can't help, but I can put you in touch with an exiled Nigerian prince who can wire you all the money you need as soon as you send him your bank account information. Please use the following contact page:

http://www.exilednigerianprince.com

A reader writes:

Dear business owner:

I would like to take a few minutes from your schedule and ask for your attention towards Internet marketing for your web page.
As a business Owner you might be interested to gain profit by placing your website among top in search engines. Your website needs immediate improvement for some major issues with your website.
-Low online presence for many competitive keyword phrases
-Unorganized social media accounts
-Not compatible with all mobile devices
-Many bad back links to your website

Looking at the above issues and other additional improvements for your website, I would request you to give us a chance to fix those issues. Our team of Search Engine and Social Media experts are here to serve you with best inputs. If you are interested in learning more about current status of your website, we would be glad to share WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT of your web page for FREE.

You will feel the difference once you get services from our company as we never let our clients expectations go down. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company's website traffic and online reputation. You will be happy to know that, my team is willing to guarantee you 1st page Google ranking for your targeted local keyword phrases.

If my proposal sound's interesting for your business goal, feel free to email us, or can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available for an online meeting to present you this website audit report.

Best Regards,
Ben Mulder (AKA Milda Jones)
sales3@ewebpromoters.com
Marketing Consultant
Skype: ben.dwa

PS I: I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

PS II: I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as HTML5 and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

-------------------------------------
Ben, or should I say Milda, since I have received the same email from both names, and several others:

In spite of the tens of thousands of hits we get a year, even without your help, this web page runs on a shoestring, so I don't have any spare money to give you. However, I can put you in touch with an exiled Nigerian prince who is struggling with web site issues and could probably use your help. Because of his in-between situation, he'll have to pay you by direct deposit to your bank, so please enter your bank account # and routing code on the following contact page, and I'll get you in touch with him.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

A reader identifying himself as "Sales Team" says:

Hi,
My name is Duke, and I have been helping companies getting optimum benefit from their online search
engine marketing strategies for over six years.

While I was doing research for perspective clients I came across your site and found that your website
has several issues that harming your search engine visibility.

I wanted to share with you all the major issues that I discovered through my research.

• There are several 'bad' links pointing to your website. You can confirm this by searching your website
on the major search engines search boxes - Google, Yahoo & Bing. You can simply search by inputting
your link:creekdontrise.com.

• Your website has multiple undesirable technical errors such as HTML errors, broken links, missing
image alt tags etc. Confirm this by searching your creekdontrise.com, or website URL on
validator.w3.org,brokenlinkcheck.com,feedthebot.com/tools/alt/

• Duplicate content has been found
which can be adversely affecting your website. You can confirm this at copyscape.com

• The number of high quality and/or authoritative links pointing to your site is extremely low. You can
confirm this by visiting ahrefs.com

We can help you fix these issues and get your website ranking on the 1st page of Google!
If you would like to know more about our services then please write us back else you can
ask us to call you and we will get back to you as per your convenience.
Kind Regards,
Duke Johnson
email2dukejohnson@gmail.com
Google Certified Expert

-------Our Response------------------------------
I'm sorry; I really can't afford your services at the moment. However a friend of mine is an exiled Nigerian prince who lays awake night worrying about his search engine rankings. And he can afford to pay you all kinds of money. Because he's "in-between" countries right now, he has to pay by direct deposit, though. So please enter your bank account # and routing code in the following contact page so he can put a substantial deposit in your account before he contacts you directly.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

A reader writes:

Hope you are doing well,
I am Alok Kausik, a Web Development Manager in India and I work with 120+experienced IT professionals who are into:
Website Designing, Web Development, Mobile Website Design, Flash Designing, Graphic Designing, PHP Development, Website Redesigning.

May I know if you are interested in any of these services?
If you are interested, then I can send you our past work details, company information and an affordable quotation with the best offer.

Kinds Regards,
Alok Kausik,
griffiscou613@gmail.com
[Business Development Manager]
Delhi-NCR [INDIA]

--------------Our Answer ------------------------

Alok,

Thank you for getting in touch. I can't use any of your services, but I might be able to help you in another way. I have been informed that Suzanne Morse, a niece of the recently deposed prince of Nigeria has been mugged in Kiev, Ukraine and can't get her luggage back from the hotel because she can't afford to pay her bill. The prince would be glad to pay it for her, but the hotel doesn't take direct deposit and the prince's credit card accounts have been hacked. If you would including your bank account # and routing code in the following contact page, I will forward it to the prince, who will deposit $100,000 rupees into your account.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

I will also forward you the name of the hotel to contact. After you contact the hotel and pay the hotel bill with your credit card, you can keep whatever is left over.

I hope you realize how much we're counting on you - Paul

P.S. Some people think I am including the return e-mail address on these posts just so e-mail harvesting spammers can add them to their list of folks to overwhelm with ads for generic viagra or whatever. No, I am doing it clearly out of the goodness of my heart, in case anyone who desires your services can get in touch with you directly.

A Reader writes:

Dear Business Owner,

How is it possible that your web page is having so many errors? Yes, most of the people share their anger and frustration once they get my email.

Now, I will show you the number of broken links, pages that returned 4XX status code upon request, images with no ALT text, pages with no meta description tag, not having an unique meta description, having too long title, etc., found in your page.

I have a large professional team who can fix all the above issues immediately at an affordable price. I guarantee you will see a drastic change in your Google search ranking once these are fixed.

If this is something you are interested in, then allow me to send you a no obligation audit report.

Best Regards,
Raymond Negrete
Marketing Consultant
raymond.negreteraymond@gmail.com

----------Our Reply------------------

Raymond,
Thank you for getting in touch. I have been hoping that a total stranger, with no company web page and no existing connection to me or anyone I know, would contact me, using a fake name, and ask me to pay him to fix hundreds of non-existent problems. Unfortunately, this is the slow time of our year. I can't afford to pay you anything right now.

But my friend the exiled Nigerian prince is having real trouble with his web site. Go to ExiledNigerianPrince.com and you'll see what I mean.

Can't find it? That's just the FIRST problem. Unlike me, though, he can afford to pay to to fix his web site problems. Unfortunately, he can't pay you by charge card, check, or cash, because he's presently hiding out from would-be assassins on a tramp steamer sailing in circles around a certain Caribbean island nation. He can, however, pay you through direct deposit. So if you will enter your bank account number and routing code on the following contact page, I'll send it to him so he can deposit $100,000 in your bank account to help you get started.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Please let me know if you have any questions.

A reader of one of our blog posts writes:

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. [Link removed]

- abyybfsl@gmail.com

-----------Our Reply--------------
Dear whoever you are.

I am touched by your heartfelt concern for the wellbeing of my blog page, especially by the urgency of your response, as shown by the fact that you didn't even take time to look up my name before you sent me a message (hint: It's all over the page.) Unfortunately, I am maintaining a dozen other sites right now and don't have time to address your concerns.

However, my friend, the Exiled Nigerian Prince (ENP for short), is interested in your help. He is trying to set up a blog, because he feels like people will take his attempts to funnel millions through private bank accounts of U.S. citizens more seriously if he can add a little something personal every day, just to prove he's a real person.

At the present, he can't contact or pay you directly because he's in a boat rounding Tierra Del Fuego toward the Chilean coast because the people who drove him out of power are furiously pursuing him for raiding the country's treasury before he left. And some idiot just gave away his location in the Caribbean. However, he can easily deposit money directly into your account. To make it easy, he'll start with a deposit of $400,000, and when you've taken out what you need, you can just send him the rest back.

All we need to get started is your bank account number and routing code. As soon as you send us that through the following contact page, I'll get in touch with him and start the transfer.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Paul

A reader identifying himself as Adam Scott, purporting to be located within a nonexistant zip code writes:
-------------------------------
Increase your website Traffic

Hi,

We can fairly quickly promote your website to the top of the search rankings with no long term contracts!

We can place your website on top of the Natural Listings on Google, Yahoo and MSN. Our Search Engine Optimization team delivers more top rankings then anyone else and we can prove it. We do not use "link farms" or "black hat" methods that Google and the other search engines frown upon and can use to de-list or ban your site. The techniques are proprietary, involving some valuable closely held trade secrets. Our prices are less then half of what other companies charge.

We would be happy to send you a proposal using the top search phrases for your area of expertise. Please contact me at your convenience so we can start saving you some money.

In order for us to respond to your request for information, please include your company’s website address (mandatory) and /or phone number.

Sincerely,
Adam Scott
addamscotts@gmail.com

-----------Our Response------------------

Adam,

Thanks for getting in touch. Also, thank you for writing in coherent sentences, which many SEO experts who claim they are going to fix my web pages find impossible.

I feel bad having to turn down your very helpful offer, but this is the slow time of year for us, an we really don't have any money to spend on moving pages that regularly show up on the first Google page for relevant searches two or three listings higher on that page. I AM curious - why don't folks like you ever contact me until my pages are already getting good organic placement? I have web sites that are barely registering, and you never contact me about those.

However, I do know a fellow who CAN use your help, and, when I say "money is no object," believe me. He is the Exiled Nigerian Prince (ENP) for short, and he has been looking for someone to sort out his web site issues. If you are sincere about your offer to help, please let me know. Unfortunately, he is not in a position to pay you cash, check, card or even PayPal, since he has booked passage on an oil tanker going from Chile to Central America, trying to keep one step ahead of his former country's secret service who is trying to figure out what happened to his country's treasury when he was forced from office. He was hoping to settle in Chile, but some idiot gave his location away again.

If you're interested in working with him, please enter your bank account number and routing code on the following contact page:

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

As soon as I receive it, I'll send it to him with your contact information. He will then direct-deposit $230,000 into your bank account. Then whenever you're done helping him with his web page, you can just send back the difference. I hope you find these terms acceptable.

- Paul Race

A message from Exiled Nigerian Prince (or as his friends call him, ENP)

Dear friends and supporters,

I beg for your prayers and support. I have just discovered that a hoaxer claiming to be me (the REAL Exiled Nigerian Prince) has gotten many people's bank information by pretending he needs their help transferring funds into the United States. As far as I can tell, he is asking them to be complicit in a scheme to launder money stolen from my country's treasury when he was forced from power. Sometimes he claims that they have "inherited" millions of dollars (even people who could not possibly be related to me - no offense, blue-eyes!).

Then, when the people he takes in send him their bank information, instead of depositing money, he raids their bank accounts. I am shocked and embarrassed by such blatant robberies being done in my name. I would NEVER betray your trust in such a way.

I can also prove that he is not the real Exiled Nigerian Prince. For one thing, there is no reason to transfer funds into American bank accounts as long as the Cayman banking system survives. For another, he couldn't possibly have access to the kind of funds he claims to have, because I took those funds first, when I was forced to flee for my life. I have only shared them with the people I contacted directly.

Have pity. You have no idea how hard it is to be rejected by your own citizens - people whom you loved like sons and daughters, and who were only too happy to pay the kinds of taxes that allowed you to live in marble palaces and drive past the homeless and unemployed on the dirt streets of your country in expensive European luxury cars. If that's not love, what is? My heart still breaks at the memory of the haters who turned my own people against me. Wouldn't yours?

You also have no idea how hard it is to stay one step ahead of your own former secret police, while running from country to country with eleven carpet bags full of hundred dollar bills, or to keep an eye on the far greater amount you did manage to transfer to Cayman bank, while you're on the run for your life. Sometimes I am even forced to measures as extreme as using dial-up internet to check on my bank accounts. Pity me, please!

In the meantime, I want to make things right. If you were one of the people duped by the fake "Exiled Nigerian Prince," and he emptied your bank accounts after you gave him your banking information, I will personally take responsibility. Please enter you Name, Date of Birth, bank account number, routing code, and the amount you were bilked out of on the following contact page, and I will deposit that amount back into your account.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Perhaps you don't believe you can trust me. To that end, I am currently negotiating with seven different web services providers to help me setup a web site where I can post a blog about my daily activities, so you can see that I am the "real deal." So far, though, none of them have agreed to my very reasonable terms. Personally I blame the hoaxer for their distrust. Then sooner his victims start sending me their information so I can start plowing money into their bank accounts, the sooner we can set the record straight.

Thank you again for your support,

The Exiled Nigerian Prince, your friend and - hopefully - benefactor.

Another reader writes:

-------------------------------------------
Good morning Paul Darwin,
MIT Sloan Management Review stated: "Technology is no longer the main barrier to creating business value from data: The bigger barrier is a shortage of appropriate skills."
That being said, does your organization have the required in-house technical skills/expertise/talent to “successfully deliver on” (design, build, implement, manage, and support) a Data Management & Analytics (BI) initiative? If there is a “no” anywhere in there, Teksouth can help…
Teksouth Corporation is a 31 year old, IT Consulting & Professional Services firm focused on delivering successful Data Management, Business Intelligence/Data Analytics, & Custom Software Development projects. With offices in AL, GA, TN and Wash. D.C. and 170+ employees strong, our value proposition is taking the cost, time, risk, and complexity out of our clients' initiatives with the data-wise expertise of our people, effective project management methodology, and applied technology.
We leverage and build our client solutions primarily around the Microsoft Data Management & Analytics stack (w/ potential alternatives). This includes on-premises, cloud, and hybrid options. Solutions may include platform tools like: Data Warehousing (MS SQL Server DB & Azure SQL DW), Big Data/Hadoop (Azure HDInsight), Real-time Processing (Azure Stream Analytics), Predictive Analytics (Azure Machine Learning), Internet of Things (Azure IoT Suite), Office365…and Microsoft Power BI which has just been recently enhanced serving up powerful Self-Service Data Visualizations/Dashboards (*see new Freemium pricing model). Click (or search) for more details at: https://azure.microsoft.com/en-us/docum ... analytics/
Simple Action: It begins with a conversation. If interested in learning more about Teksouth’s Professional Services or any of these Microsoft solutions, is there a convenient day/time to schedule a brief introductory call?
Please advise…thank you.
John Roddy
john.roddy@teksouth.com

-----------Our Reply-----------------------

Dear John,
First of all my sincere congratulations on your company's bravery in giving folks with a limited skill set outward-facing jobs. I'm sure the salary of whoever got my last name completely wrong, or whoever thinks "premium" is spelled "Freemium," or whoever has the skills to cut and paste EVERY SINGLE "buzzword" from one of Microsoft's pages is very well earned.

Now to your first question. The truth is that we do lack the talent to "'successfully deliver on' (design, build, implement, manage, and support) a Data Management & Analytics (BI) initiative." Unfortunately for your cash flow, we also lack the need to do any of those things, something you'd have determined if your hapless clerk had spent as much time looking at my site as he or she did sending the above e-mail (or the three identical ones before this one).

I do, however, know a fellow who might benefit from your company's offerings. The well-known Exiled Nigerian Prince is now attempting to settle down in Costa Rica, having eluded his pursuers. Once he gets a permanent address with a good internet connection, he intends to set up a web enterprise for recruiting potential beneficiaries of his "share the wealth" programs. I'm sure that maintaining a database of people trusting enough to send him their personal and banking information will be a big part of his plans.

In fact he'd like you to get started immediately if you can spare the resources. To help you attract the talent you will need to service his account, he is willing to deposit a down payment of $200,000 to the bank account of your choice. All we need to get started is your bank account number and routing code. By the way, for tax reasons, it is better if you provide the information for your personal bank account, including your social security number and date of birth. That way we can make certain their are no roadblocks. Just use the contact information on the following page:

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Thanks again for your inquiry, and hope we hear from you soon - Paul

A reader with the improbable name of "Optimizely" writes:

Deliver relevant digital experiences that increase revenue and customer satisfaction. Being personal is no longer optional. Your customers expect experiences to be tailored to them wherever they interact with you. And as of today, you can do exactly this with Optimizely Personalization. Personalization enables you keep up with evolving customer demands and stay competitive. Learn more on our blog [blog url deleted]

If you’re ready to get started, get in touch with our team today

customerresources@optimizely.com

--------------Our Reply-------------------------

Dear Optimizely,

I appreciate your presumed emphasis on "the personal touch." I say "presumed," because you did not bother to find out my name before you started spamming me (this is not your first unsolicited e-mail to me). In fact, the tone and generalities in your your e-mail demonstrate that you have far less knowledge of my web sites' charters or functions than I do of my readers' needs and preferences.

That said, Opt (can I call you "Opt"?), this is the slow time of our year, so I couldn't really afford your services anyway. Still, I have a friend who is very interested in presenting a personal experience for his followers, the Exiled Nigerian Prince. ENP, as we affectionately call him, is attempting to build upon a business plan that he started some time ago - ravaging his country's treasury as he is being deposed, then contacting random internet users about elaborate (if illegal) schemes for evading the United States' tax code. ENP is certain that making each soliciting e-mail as personal as possible will help him find even more folks willing to believe that they are distant heirs or whatever else they need to believe to make his business plan work in their situation.

Unfortunately, ENP can't pay you up front with cash, plastic, or PayPal, because he is hiding out in the jungles of Costa Rica from his former secret service agents, who seem to have somehow "picked up the trail" again. However, he CAN pay you by direct deposit. In fact, he is so anxious to receive your services, he will be glad to deposit $135,000 into your company's checking account as soon as you send him the account number and routing code. Once you send that, using the contact information on the following page, I'll put you in touch with him for details.

http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Paul